Thursday, April 24, 2008

Pigs DO Become Clean in Washing Machines

Ladies and Gentlemen, after years of research, writing and heavy doses of candle wax, I have finally come to a conclusion. This is research that the whole world has been waiting for. This was research that was backbreaking and socially isolating. Everyone will want to know about this research. Well, this introduction is so good, so attention grabbing, I certainly want to know what this research was all about. It really was a huge undertaking, hermatising myself with five different pigs of shape size and personality. What was that, you might say, Pigs? Ahh but pigs were what this research was all about. You see, know after months of research, I can tell you that indeed, pig's do become clean in washing machines.

The first pigs name was Boris; Boris was the pig that gave me my first deduction. If a pig is larger than the washing machine you have, it will not fit. Unfortunately, it took me five months to reach this first conclusion, so after holding up several stores, robbing people's houses and all the money I stole from Barbara Streisand fan club, I was able to go out and buy myself five different washing machines of shape size and personality.

My second pigs name was seconds. Seconds was the pig that gave me my second deduction. Pigs will not get into washing machines, by themselves. So I decided to build a washing machine that if was placed in front of a pig the pig would have no choice but to go inside the washing machine. Then the question arose, how do I make a pig run.

So I went out and I researched the human race. Why do humans run. One answer is that we are in a hurry. Pigs don't have much to hurry about… Another was for pleasure, no, pigs don't really o that either, then I noticed, what happens if a female human walks away from the male human, the male follows, So therefore, I would need a pig that other pigs would follow. Her name was charleta. Ahh and what a wonderful pig she was. We were going to get married until Boris got jealous and head butted me. But where was I going to find a pig that would follow my charleta?

Larry, his name was Larry, a very stupid animal of course but still, he and charleta hit it off really well. Larry was always coming up with little bits of wisdom. For example, he saw pigeons as very polite animals. Excuse me sir, might if I have a chip there buddy? Where as he saw seagulls as the most rude animals on the planet because they don't just ask for a, they fly up to you and yell give us a bloody chip.

Charleta was a little nervous about their date but after supplying them with their adequate needs for a date, I sent them off in the hopes that their bond would become so great that Larry would declare I love this pig, and I would follow her to the ends off the earth.

4 months later Dinner was born. No, I didn't name it because she gave birth to bits of bacon, but because I was extremely hungry when I named him. Charleta always wanted to to have a water birth and I was happy to oblige when I told her that I have five different washing machines of shape size and personality.

The moment breakfast was born, I grabbed charleta, threw her off the washing machine, slammed the lid and listened to the delightful orchestra of thumping of a newborn baby pig in a washing machine. After the cycle had finished I opened the lid and found that all the gunk that had been on Breakfast when he was born was now completely gone.

I have presented the facts to you tonight. So go out and tell your friends, tell your neighbors, tell the guy running up and down the street thinking he's a fire engine, tell the bank, which bank, I don't know I can't remember.


You Put Your Left Arm In – Speech 3 by Kane Baltetsch

Put your left arm in….

It's a dance that inspires. A dance that is celebrated around the world. Children adore it. Women love it; men want to dance to it. It is the Hokey Pokey. What joy is spread around the world as someone says put your right arm in. Is it like if you're happy and you know it? No, if you're happy and you know it does not require participation. I quote, if you're happy and you know it clap your hands. These lines do not require participation. First, you have to be happy to participate, and then you have to know that you're happy to participate. Then there are heads shoulders knees and toes. This song does not require presence in its writing. Heads shoulders knees and toes, knees and toes. Eyes and ears and mouth and nose, heads shoulders knees and toes, knees and toes. There is something wrong with this song. There is no creativity to the writing. Then there is the Hokey Pokey. Everyone say the words, hokey pokey. There is magic in these words, there is a sense of wonder in these words, say them again hokey pokey.

You put your right arm in, take your right arm out, put your right arm in, and now then shake it all about. You do the hokey pokey and you turn around, that's what it's all about!

to demonstrate the power of this wonderful wonderful song, I must insist in looking at, what is a hokey pokey, Where did the Hokey Pokey come from, and is the Hokey pokey far more powerful then any of us could ever imagine.

The origins of the song are varied around the world. Upon researching the Hokey Pokey for this speech, I found a site that insisted that there exists a painting of Adam and Eve doing the Hokey Pokey in the Garden of Eden. I then went on to find this picture. There once again show the popularity of the dance. The Hokey Pokey is a participation dance in which people of different ages nationalities and other fun areas of our life, I say fun simply because the word fun is often mentioned alongside the words hokey pokey. The words Hokey Pokey mean Ice cream. A hokey pokey was an Italian gelato sold on the streets of Britain where the Italian street vendors would yell

hokey pokey hokey pokey ho,

then the people would smile, laugh and immediately have a hankering for some hokey pokey. They would then go to the hokey pokey man and he would give a little, which is the original Latin meaning of the words.

Others say that a hokey pokey derives from the word hocus pocus, another word for magic. Others say that the dance was made up from catholic roots. The priest would take the Eucharist, then turn his back on the congregation and say words in Latin and make movements whilst preparing communion for the congregation.

It was in the 1940's however that the song really took off and there were and still are a number of translations to the song that are sung in different countries. These include Britain, the USA and Australia. The first version is known as the Hokey Cokey.

Left arm in,

left arm out,

left arm in,

shake it all about,

you do the hokey kokey as you turn around,

that's what it's all about.

In Australia, we know the chorus as woah, the hokey pokey, woah, the hokey pokey, woah, the hokey pokey, that's what it's all about however according to the internet and it's vast source of unreliability, we actually sing,

Do the hokey pokey

Do the hokey pokey,

Do the hokey pokey

And that's what it's all about.

The British use the words

You put your left arm in,

you put your left arm out,

in, out, in, out,

shake it all about,

you do the hokey cakey as you turn your self around,

that's what it's all about.

Woah, hokey cokey cokey,

woah, hokey cokey cokey,

woah, hokey cokey cokey,

knees bent, arms stretched ra ra ra.

But more so than the origins of the song, and more so then which countries are smart enough to sing the song, I think there is a hidden message within this song. I think this song, contains powerful messages about the meaning of life and how to get through life unscathed and, how to live life to the full.

Say you have just started your new job at Target. You are the new Manchester boy/girl you choose. Your boss comes to you and says we need to straiten and tidy because the head of all NSW Targets is coming to the store and we need to have the place ship shape. You walk to the toasters. You put your right arm in, is that straight, take you right arm out, no still not straight, you put your right arm in then shake the toaster all about. Wow, its strait. You o the hokey pokey as you turn yourself around. That's what it's all about. You can do this with every part of your body. To clean and tidy the store. Shake it all about, still doesn't look right, turn yourself around and have a look from a different angle, that's what it's all about.

Your in a new relationship and she wants you to do the dishes, start with the right hand in, out in , out , hokey pokey, turn yourself around, THAATS WHAT ITS ALL ABOUT. What powerful messages, what powerful lessons. The meaning of life, why else would the Hokey Pokey say, that's what it's all about.

You might get to a point where you are throwing your whole self in, yeah scary I know, then taking your whole self out, Do the hokey pokey, turn yourself around, That's what it's all about!!

For some of you I have introduced you to a great song, for some, I have reintroduced you to a great song; my advice is to use this song in everyday life. That's what it's all about.

My Name is Kane - Icebreaker

My name is Kane. This is unfortunate. Why? Because my name is easily rhymed with a lot of words that are either insults or are affiliated with something bad. For example; Pain. Kane the Pain. Whilst growing up all I ever heard from my peers, parents, and random people I met on the street. I was Kane the pain. Brain. When I first wore glasses in year 2 I received the name Kane the Brain, which was way out of line with my street reputation of being to cool for school. Even words that don't really rhyme with Kane, Shame. Shame Kane, shame. People continuously, for all my life have used these words against me. People affiliate my name with other things of a bad nature. Fore example, there is an entire range of furniture and apparel named after me. I sit down, oh, Kane chair. I walk, Oh walking Kane. I am studying teaching at the moment, which means, yes I do cop it off the older kids anyway but when a six year old names you cocaine, you know that things are not gonna get much better. Oh once I was called candy Kane which I thought was great until I saw a drag queen on TV with the same name.

But before I go on, I feel I must give you a bit of context about where I fit into my family. This is the stuff I feel that you should know about me. I'll try to get this fast. I have two brothers, no sisters, one brother is a roof maker, and the other is a Goth, slash hippy slash punk. My mother lives in Brisbane with the roof maker, my father lives with his wife in Geelong. He is the executive manager of the Corio west nudist club. I work at Target.

Now, let me quickly tell you about the wonder that is, working at Target. You can come in and see me, I'm the Manchester boy. How do I know this, the other day I walked down to the registers to meet a customer and she said hi, are you the Manchester boy and I said yes, and yes I am. My job, as the Manchester boy is to clean, price, serve, change shelves, and change lives. I clean, if you bring your donut king cup into my store and then leave it there; I pick it up no matter what germs may be infecting my girly fingers. I price, we have these portable scanners at work which are basically used to scan each item the print out pricing labels for each product. Yeah I know, Fun. I then rip the a4 sheet of labels into much smaller labels and put them on the shelf under that labels designated product. I serve, no matter what mood I'm in, when I serve I serve with a smile and a grin. Why, because a few weeks ago I heard there may be freebies given to employees who give their all for the customer, the more you give, hopefully Target gives. I change shelves, we get new stock into the Manchester department at work and sometimes this stock may not fit, so, I change shelves to make it fit. Lastly, I change lives. The other day I had an elderly woman come into the store wanting a brand new way to cut her vegetables. I showed her, the Borneo v-slicer. I told her that this piece of technology would change the way that she chopped vegetables forever. No more clunky appliances that that cost you thousands in electricity every year, with the Borneo v-slicer you can cut an onion to the perfect thickness in less than 10 seconds. But wait there's more. With the Borneo v-slicer you also receive two attachments. One for large chunks of chopping stuff and the other for dicing. I sold the Borneo v-slicer to this woman for the low low price of 19.99, half the retail value. But wait there's more. For just double the amount that she paid for that one v-slicer, she could not only have one v-slicer but get a second, free.

In conclusion I have the unfortunate name of Kane. Please when rhyming with it, be original. Don't go with the crowd. Think. I study teaching at university and soon will be a teacher, and at Target I clean, price, serve, change shelves, change lives.

Beethoven By Gwenda Vayro

What, How, Why?


Over the past few months I've been listening to all of Beethoven's sonatas on these 9 CDs. I've got to tell you, I'm so in love with Beethoven! Beethoven is still….180 years after his death… of the most famous and influential musicians of all times. What exactly is it that he did with his life? Who really was Beethoven, the man? How did he do it? Why is he still so famous? In this speech I want to look at the what, the why and the how of Beethoven. And we can learn a lot about how to live our own lives better from looking closely at the lives of very famous people.


What did he do? Ludwig Van Beethoven was a German composer and virtuoso pianist born
into a musical family
in the German town of Bonn on the 16th of December 1770. As a child, he watched 4 siblings die; he suffered bullying from his drunken father to practice piano and violin all night, he saw his father sink into alcoholism and irresponsibility, and his dearly-loved mother die from TB when he was 16. So he was basically then responsible for his two younger brothers at age 16. All these harsh life experiences obviously made him very tough – focussed, disciplined, hard-working.


He moved to Vienna when he was 21 and supported himself through a combination of annual stipends or single gifts from members of the aristocracy; he got some income from concerts and lessons; and selling his compositions. His income was very up and down throughout his life - never completely secure.


Life was never easy for Beethoven. Besides the financial insecurities, he suffered chronic abdominal pain from his early 20s which led to his death at age 57 in 1827 from lead poisoning. He also suffered a severe form of Tinnitus – a ringing in the ears, which eventually made his profoundly deaf. He was attracted to "unattainable" women (married or aristocratic), and he never married. He was a restless bachelor - he moved house no fewer than fifty-two times! What he must have suffered to compose under these conditions! His life was so very hard, that he considered suicide, and wrote about it to his brothers, in a letter: his Heiligenstadt Testament, but he resolved to continue living for and through his art.


How did he behave? Beethoven had to develop enormous strength of character to survive the difficulties of his life, so he had little patience with idle frivolity or social chit chat. I read that he disdained authority, social rank and pompous or corrupt aristocrats. He stopped performing at the piano if the audience chatted among themselves, or failed to give him their full attention. At soirĂ©es, he refused to perform if suddenly called upon to do so. Dedication to his muse – his source of inspiration - was a higher priority in his life than manners, dress, friends or normal behaviour.


He was aware of his uniqueness: What you are, you are by accident of birth; what I am, I am by myself. There are and will be a thousand princes; there is only one Beethoven.
Because of his spiritual strength and integrity, he had a close and devoted circle of friends all his life.


Why is he still so famous?
Beethoven had a profound and spiritual vision of the importance of music: "I despise a world that doesn't feel that music is a higher revelation than all wisdom and philosophy" he said. In the face of all the terrible difficulties of his life, he chose to live a life of strength and attitude. Beethoven said: "I shall seize Fate by the throat; it shall certainly not bend and crush me completely."


Conclusion. Everyday from dawn to early afternoon, Beethoven wrote music for piano, violin, orchestra - concerti, sonatas, quartets, symphonies, chamber music, masses and an opera. Beethoven listened to his heart and soul and wrote out his passions – the depth, the desperation, the intensity; the sublimity, the subtlety, the delicacy; the rhythms, the contrasts, the patterns of all human emotions. He said: "I have never thought of writing for reputation and honor. What I have in my heart must come out; that is the reason why I compose."