Thursday, April 24, 2008

Pigs DO Become Clean in Washing Machines

Ladies and Gentlemen, after years of research, writing and heavy doses of candle wax, I have finally come to a conclusion. This is research that the whole world has been waiting for. This was research that was backbreaking and socially isolating. Everyone will want to know about this research. Well, this introduction is so good, so attention grabbing, I certainly want to know what this research was all about. It really was a huge undertaking, hermatising myself with five different pigs of shape size and personality. What was that, you might say, Pigs? Ahh but pigs were what this research was all about. You see, know after months of research, I can tell you that indeed, pig's do become clean in washing machines.

The first pigs name was Boris; Boris was the pig that gave me my first deduction. If a pig is larger than the washing machine you have, it will not fit. Unfortunately, it took me five months to reach this first conclusion, so after holding up several stores, robbing people's houses and all the money I stole from Barbara Streisand fan club, I was able to go out and buy myself five different washing machines of shape size and personality.

My second pigs name was seconds. Seconds was the pig that gave me my second deduction. Pigs will not get into washing machines, by themselves. So I decided to build a washing machine that if was placed in front of a pig the pig would have no choice but to go inside the washing machine. Then the question arose, how do I make a pig run.

So I went out and I researched the human race. Why do humans run. One answer is that we are in a hurry. Pigs don't have much to hurry about… Another was for pleasure, no, pigs don't really o that either, then I noticed, what happens if a female human walks away from the male human, the male follows, So therefore, I would need a pig that other pigs would follow. Her name was charleta. Ahh and what a wonderful pig she was. We were going to get married until Boris got jealous and head butted me. But where was I going to find a pig that would follow my charleta?

Larry, his name was Larry, a very stupid animal of course but still, he and charleta hit it off really well. Larry was always coming up with little bits of wisdom. For example, he saw pigeons as very polite animals. Excuse me sir, might if I have a chip there buddy? Where as he saw seagulls as the most rude animals on the planet because they don't just ask for a, they fly up to you and yell give us a bloody chip.

Charleta was a little nervous about their date but after supplying them with their adequate needs for a date, I sent them off in the hopes that their bond would become so great that Larry would declare I love this pig, and I would follow her to the ends off the earth.

4 months later Dinner was born. No, I didn't name it because she gave birth to bits of bacon, but because I was extremely hungry when I named him. Charleta always wanted to to have a water birth and I was happy to oblige when I told her that I have five different washing machines of shape size and personality.

The moment breakfast was born, I grabbed charleta, threw her off the washing machine, slammed the lid and listened to the delightful orchestra of thumping of a newborn baby pig in a washing machine. After the cycle had finished I opened the lid and found that all the gunk that had been on Breakfast when he was born was now completely gone.

I have presented the facts to you tonight. So go out and tell your friends, tell your neighbors, tell the guy running up and down the street thinking he's a fire engine, tell the bank, which bank, I don't know I can't remember.


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